Responding To Abigail's Post

Nate is 5 yrs older than Abigail, chronologically. In all other areas, she is actually 5 yrs older than him. I remember as I was watching her grow, even through preschool, that she was very different. Watching her made me so much more aware, that Nate did have difficulties.

Nate's anger didn't start showing itself, badly, until after high school. I am sure he was mad that he was so very different & he wanted so very much to be like everyone else his age. Those he knew were off to college, dating, getting married. He was having difficulty just learning how to hold down a job. He took 2 yrs to admit that he had Asperger's. When he told me, for the first time, that he accepted this, I knew he had made yet another big jump.

Nate visits us when he wishes to. We ask him more often. Art, Abigail & I have a peaceful household. When Nate comes, the peace disappears. Art & I had to learn how not to allow Nate to draw us into arguments. This is still difficult & something we continuously work on. Nate gets mad at us very easily, as he misinterprets most of what we say or we drop a subject much too quickly for his liking. I don't like him going home mad, so I work hard to be sure he doesn't. I think this must be the mother in me, because Art is not like this.

As Abigail mentioned, Art & I were challenged to not only work with Nate, but to also give Abigail her needed attention. With the Lord's help, we succeeded. For the last yr, with Nate in his own place, Abigail has enjoyed being an only child, well young adult, but when she is home, not at school or work, she enjoys the time we have together as a family of 3. Art & I are also helping Abigail with the areas of growth that she is going through.

I hope you are learning about Asperger's through our personal experience. I will start with research & bring in more professional facts, at least those that actually do exist.

Abigail's Turn - Nate's Younger Sister

Growing up w/Nate was a challenge. We got along great when I was younger, in elementary school mostly. We watched tv together and played w/each other. As we’ve gotten older, we haven’t stayed as close as we were when we were younger, but we’re still as close as we can be. I think the reason for this is I’ve developed and matured faster than he has. When I was in high school, he didn’t meet my needs like a typical bro would. Examples of this would be when I was going through a hard time or was really excited about something, I couldn’t talk to him about it. He wouldn’t be excited with me. It would take more effort to explain why something I was going through was hard for me. I’m a poet and he doesn’t appreciate poetry. In these areas, I had to adopt a bro. there was a guy at church who helped with the youth group I was involved in. he filled my need for a bro. My earliest memory of his anger is when I was 8-10. He punched a hole in a wall in our house. That caused me to fear what else he might do to the house out of anger. I never feared him hurting me. He’s always argued a lot w/my parents and I’ve always hated it. When they argue, I leave the room. He has embarrassed me when I’m with my friends or just in public. He did this b/c of his lack of social skills and different bodily movements/language and when he sometimes argues in public. I’ve started to learn to not be embarrassed by him or annoyed and to have patience. These are very hard things to learn, but as my parents keep reminding me to have patience, I try harder, and am slowly succeeding. Here are some examples of ways that he can be annoying: his body movements are not typical and can be annoying, but mostly it’s his OCD. He uses 2 pieces of tissue instead of just one. He’s very slow at everything. He writes EVERYTHING. Some good things of having him as a bro are that he’s a neat freak, which is also annoying. If a paper was on the table instead of on the desk, he would move it. If a book was sitting on a table and was crooked, he would straighten it. He spends a lot of time cleaning, but gets things spotless. His tunnel visions are politics, weather, and history. He knows dates very well. He can tell you when a specific snow storm was on what date in what year. He has researched weather and actually made his own predictions. One year his predictions were even more accurate than the meteorologists’! If I forgot to watch the weather on the news to know what the high temp was going to be the next day, I could usually rely on him telling me. If I have a political or historical question and my parents couldn’t answer it, he most likely could. I survived what I call the “two-year nightmare.” This was when Nate lived w/us for 2 yrs after living w/our bio father. During this time, he needed a lot of attention and sometimes I felt left out, like I wasn’t getting enough attention from our parents. When this happened, I cried and told my parents and they gave me what I needed. When Nate got into arguments with our parents, I would leave the room. I also yelled at them to stop yelling and I think sometimes it actually worked! It was the only way for them to hear me. They argued everyday I think. We got burnt out really fast. When he moved out, the house got so peaceful! My parents and I get along great, so we don’t argue much. One thing that helped a lot was that I wasn’t home a lot. If I wasn’t at school, I was at work or a church activity. I got breaks, but there were times when I still needed to get out of the house. I don’t think I ever really thought about how I grew to love him. I just always have. He’s older than me so I didn’t know life w/o him. He’s my bro, so I love him. That’s all there is to it. Do we really need reasons to love our family? I’ve learned what kinds of things I can say around/to him w/o him getting into an hr discussion about it when I just want to mention something. Here’s an example of something that happened recently. I thought I was going to need some financial information from him. I had no idea what specifics I would need, but I knew dad would know. Dad was at work. I was on my way to work (I called him then on purpose b/c I knew that he would find something to be confused about and talk on and on about on that topic. Calling him then enabled me to hang up w/o a fight.) and asked when he was working that night. I told him that I needed to know if he would be home that night so that dad could call him. He didn’t understand that I was just calling for his schedule and went on and on about why I even called him then when didn’t know what questions to ask. I told him I had to go b/c I was at work and hung up the phone. I quickly put the cell on silent b/c I knew he was going to call back w/in the minute. Sure enough, when I got off work at 8pm, I had a voicemail from him. He said he knew I was around, well, no I actually wasn’t! if he had listened to me in the first place when I said I was at work, he would’ve known that. He calls a lot. I’ve learned when to and not to answer it. When he calls the house, we usually answer. If he calls a cell phone, either of my parents’ or mine, and we don’t answer for some reason (usually we don’t want to talk to him or we can’t), he’ll try all of our cell phones and the house phone until he gets someone. By the time he calls the house phone, I usually pick up and say, “There’s a reason we didn’t answer the cell. We’re busy! Call back later. He forgets things about me so much! Recently, he forgot how old I was. That wasn’t the first time that’s happened. He keeps forgetting what I’m studying in college and where I work. One time earlier in my junior yr of college, he asked if I was still in the high school youth group at church. During the 6 months that my parents and I went to different churches, he kept forgetting that we didn’t go to the same church. Then when they started going to my church, he repeatedly forgot that they had switched, also.

Changes On The Horizon

Nate is getting to know himself, which is good. One of his calls last wk, was to say that he felt he should hold off on moving onto a different job, until after the roommate situation is settled. I thought this was wise of him & told him so. Changes are extremely difficult for him. His boss wants to get him into a job in the " real world. " That is going to be a huge step.

Right now, the man in charge of his team, is making plans to get Nate a new roommate. He met Eric, a fellow special educ student from high school & they live in the same apartment complex. They have become close & get along nicely. Eric doesn't get along with his roommate, for the same reason that Nate doesn't get along with his. Eric & Nate talk a LOT, their roommates are very quiet. The head of Nate's team is going to try to get a switch going on, but first the other men have to meet & find out if they are compatible. Nate & Eric have been getting together for about 2 months now. I will keep you updated on this.

Next blog posting will be from Nate's sister, Abigail, then I will start to get more info on Asperger's, itself, as I keep up with posts with Nate's life. My goal is to be able to reach people who have family members with Asperger's & to educate people on this condition.

The Past Year

I would have to say the this past year has been Nate's best & most productive. ECHO has been very helpful with him. The person who works directly with him, visits whenever necessary. He has received lessons in shopping, cooking, keeping a schedule for cleaning his apt, financial guidance. He is still having trouble with the finances & every time he makes a mistake, he believes the bank had to have done something wrong. There has been concern & his team may have to take over, as he does not know how to save. They are giving him another chance with this. When he didn't have a car, he took a cab & had to learn how to work with the cab company. He & the county, together, got him a new car. The team helped him to save money & the county gave money towards this. This is the first time he ever showed any ability to save.

Nate came to see us on Sunday & it was a good visit, which for him is not normal for Sunday's. I thanked him for a good visit, but I didn't go into the fact that this was not his norm. A couple of days ago he was in a good mood & called us 5 times, at least. He does this because he thinks of something else he forgot to say the first 4 times. He also calls a lot when he is in a bad mood.

More on this year in my next post.

Finding More Help

This company is called ECHO. The manager starts all new clients, spends time working with them at home first, getting to know them. The manager's name is Brad & part of his plan with Nate was to start with finances, for which we were very thankful. Nate listened to him & we were all too willing to to give up as much of that responsibility as possible.

The search for a place to live & a roommate also began. This took a month, which was faster than usual. Brad put himself on fast pace to get Nate out of our house asap, because of our strained relationships & Nate's temper was showing itself. When it came time to move, Brad even took care of that. Nate moved into his own apt, with a roommate May 2007. He was also hired at his present job, in March, I think. He is a janitor with ODOT in our county, with a program that ODOT has, in which they work with people with special needs, to help them learn how to hold down a job. Nate had had many jobs, but hadn't been able to keep them. He has been with this job for over a yr. The first year has proven to be rough as far as getting along with his roommate. It is very difficult for one with Asperger's to get along with most people.

The Last Year - Finding More Help

Nate has been seeing Dr. Jeannie for about a yr, I think. Early Spring of 2007, Art & I talked to a couple of people on Nate's team. These meetings always included him, because he is an adult & we are not his guardians. Hmmm, a word about that. We were told not to become his guardian because if he ever made any financial mistakes or got into any kind of trouble, we would be held responsible. He does make a lot of financial mistakes, & we are very glad not to be held responsible, plus, any time we talk money, there is stress, so it's a very good thing that we don't have to talk money with him any more than necessary.

Okay, got off the topic, there. One of the meetings that we had was how to help Nate get out on his own. We needed him out, but we wanted this to happen in a positive way, so that he wouldn't be hurt. We also wanted him to be part of the decision making process. By Spring of 2007, he was going back & forth, afraid of being out on his own, but wanting to get away from us. We were given a list of companies who work with those who need to be on their own, but whom are not yet ready. Online research started, phone calls, appointments, interviews in our home. Our 3rd interview, Art & I knew whom we wanted, now we had to explain our reasons to Nate, so that he would understand. At the end of the first discussion, he said he would just have to trust the conclusions we had come to, because he just wasn't understanding. So, the chosen company was invited back, and Nate told them that they were his choice. Life was about to go through some big changes.

The Last Year

Hi Everyone,
I have been gone for a few days because my oldest brother & his wife were in town & we seldom get to see them. So now I will continue my story about Nate. I will tell about the past year. This has been the most productive.

Art & I realized that we needed to do something but were not quite sure where else to turn. We were trying to find a counselor for him, who knew about Asperger's. The one who used to help him, had moved. I did a lot of searching & got a recommendation from another counselor whom I called. It turned out the lady, Dr. Jeannie, who was recommended already worked with quite a few who are helped through the mental health dept. This is another one of my pet peeves. It seems the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, so we had to find out a lot for ourselves, that we should have been able to learn from those who already worked with Nate. The psychiatrist has worked with her, so why didn't he tell us about her? He apparently doesn't care for her because they have different strategies. So, we had to find her ourselves. Uggghhhh.

The Recent Yrs, Continued.....

It took the 2 yrs, that Nate was with us, for him to heal from being locked out of his biological father's house. He said it was as if he had lost everything in a fire. This was because he had to leave everything behind & it took 1-2 mths to get everything he owned, back, for reasons that are unnecessary to talk about here.

It was during those 2 yrs, that I worked hard going to meetings to get Nate the help that he needed, helping to put together the team who works with him now.

During these 2 yrs there were also many times that I & Abigail were afraid of him & his temper. Art & I had to learn how to work through the times of his temper. The temper was learned, from his biological father & born from the fear he felt. I am very thankful for the yrs that I went to a counselor & had the kids do so also, & Art had had some training, so we used a lot of counseling methods to help talk Nate through his problems. Abigail calls this time period, " The two yr nightmare. " We all came out far better than we had entered, learned a lot, drew closer to one another, cried together, got help together, etc, etc, etc.

Midnight was Nate's favorite time to talk, ugggghhhhhhh, lololol. That is when his emotions surfaced.

Recent Yrs Continued.......

I just asked Abigail how she it is that she learned to work through Nate's problems. She said to give her time to think & she will add her own post. So, that is what I will do, have her tell her own story within the story.

Those 2 yrs, after Nate came back to us, were rough, to say the least, very rough. If I thought the previous yrs had been hard, these were worst. A person who has Asperger's, who has been emotionally mistreated, doesn't understand a lot of what he feels or why he feels, much more so, than a person who doesn't have these problems. The extremes were rough. But, we survived, with lots & lots of prayers.

During the time, I will have to say, the two things that came as a result that were true
blessings : Nate realized I wasn't the horrible person his biological father made me out to be. Nate came to trust & love Art. I couldn't have asked for more of a blessing.

Starting Nate's Last 7 Yrs

Well, once again, the question is, " Where do I begin, what do I include? " Nate has had, I think, 6 psychiatrists, for one reason or another. The latest, like many others, knows little about Asperger's Syndrome. This doctor is with the county mental health center, so there is no choice. There is no specific medication for Asperger's, so he is medicated for ADHD, depression, OCD. Only lots of practice & experience can teach social skills & language skills. His social worker also knows little about Asperger's. His social worker is knows & loves working with those with Autism but, Nate's relationship with her is up & down. It's hard for a person with Asperger's to work through problems. Nate has been working with the county mental health dept for, hmmm, 3 yrs, maybe. I made loads of phone calls & attended many many meetings to get this all set up. He has been recieving help from an organization named ECHO, that works with him in his apt. His team involves, 7 people, altogther, I think, could be wrong on that.

Nate lived with Art & I for many yrs & then decided he should move in with his biological father. This lasted for a yr,with a very very bad ending. Suffice it to say, his biological father, never did know how to work with him. He came back to us, in tears, after having been kicked out & locked out. He lived with us for 2 yrs, a rocky 2 yrs, during which we had a lot of work to do to get him through the emotional trauma that he had experienced. Art & I had to balance working with him & helping Abigail to know how to deal with her brother, whom she loves very much.

Nate's Diagnosis

We had to change psychiatrists for one reason or another, can't remember why. I do remember one, though not by name. I knew more about Nate than he did, so we moved on to another. If I am not mistaken, it was Children's hospital, that diagnosed Asperger's at age 18. There is a fine line between ADHD & Asperger's & all psychiatrists wouldn't agree with the doctor who diagnosed him. Asperger's is actually high functioning Autism. He sits on the fence, of not being bad enough for some help, but not strong enough to live in our society with very much success. He also has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Most of his obsessions happen to be helpfuly, such as being a tremendous clean freak. He just puts so much time into the obsessions, that there are other things he could be doing. Nate also suffers from depression. ADHD, OCD, Depression are very common roommates with those with Asperger's. Some with Asperger's are smart enough to go to college. Unfortunately Nate is not. One of my pet peeves, for yrs, has been that, if he could just go to a school & study what he is interested in, without having to take liberal arts courses, he may just do very well, but, unfortunately, our college system doesn't work this way. So he is left to learn on his own, which he does, but it doesn't help him to get a job in his area of interest. Most people with Asperger's have 2-3 areas of interest, in which they are very intelligent, but know little about anything else.

Next I will go into how we have been helping Nate in the last few yrs.

Art & I had kids in two more school systems. Both were good as far as teachers were concerned, but the kids were bullies to Nate & some even to Abigail. With much prayer we got them through the junior high & high school yrs.

Prayer is involved in every area of our lives. We needed & still need a lot of wisdom to help him & we get that from our Lord, through our faith. Honestly neither Art nor I even talk with him without being in prayer. Prayer for us to understand what he is trying to say, prayer for wisdom on how to help, especially without getting upset. I have learned to do a lot of listening & keeping my mouth shut & just letting him talk. If he asks for my opinion, I ask if he really wants it, because most of the time he is not going to like it. I still work on this a lot, it takes a lot of effort.

Finding The Right Fit For Nate For School

I tried everything with schools. First Nate & his sister, Abigail, were in a private Christian school, paid for by grandparents. That didn't work because they didn't have the special education classes that he needed. I prayed about homeschooling him. The answer for him was " no ". He didn't learn well from me & being an only child for 5 yrs, he needed more socializing. Nate had 2 yrs of kindergarten because of his lack of social skills. I took he & his sister out of one Christian school & into another because the other one had special classes. Only problem, they weren't special enough for Nate. So after a couple of yrs, I moved the children into the public school system that I grew up in. I knew it was a great school system, always has been. That was the answer. He was in the special education class & it helped him to start learning. Parent / Teacher meetings were not something I looked forward to because there were always a lot of areas to address. The more I read about ADHD, ( remember in those days, ADHD was still new, ) the more I had to teach the teachers what worked best for him. I was tutoring both children in the evenings, to help them with their homework. They were both slow readers & homework took 3-4 hrs each night.


The best thing that happened for me during this time, of my 3 yrs of being a single mom, was meeting my future husband. We dated for two yrs, as we needed to get to know each other well, plus the divorce process was rather lengthy, because my " ex " made it that way. During this time, my now absolutely wonderful husband, Art, ( we have been married, now, nearly 11 yrs, ) was also getting to know the children. I was watching closely to see how he worked with them & he was watching me closely, for the same reason. Obviously, we both passed the test, : ) . When we got married, Dec 1997, Abigail was 10, Nate was 15. Abigail adored her new dad, Nate didn't. Nate actually didn't fully understand that we were truly getting married. He thought we were joking. Art & I had our work cut out for us. Change is very difficult for those with Asperger's. But, we still didn't have that diagnosis yet. Asperger's & ADHD are very difficult to distinguish & in those days, few knew about Asperger's. Neither Nate's psychiatrist, nor the counselor, knew it existed, I was to find out later.

There were many yrs of tutoring Nate, helping him with life's situations as they came up, going to counselors, deciding on medications, getting further diagnosis, dealing with a very difficult marriage. I was on my own with helping Nate because his father didn't believe that anything was wrong with him, only that he wasn't well behaved. I knew the difficult behavior was a result of something going on in his brain & that harsh discipline was not the answer.

Nate's biological father, was an abuser & it was in Sept 1994, that I finally got the courage to take the kids & leave him. So I was a single mother for several yrs, doing everything I could to help Nate & his sister. I had always felt like a single mother, the biggest difference at this time was having to support the two children & myself. I also suffered from clinical depression myself, and was medicated for that. These 3 yrs were extremely difficult, but I had, at least, finally rescued the children & myself from yrs of abuse.

It is very common for families to fall apart when there is a mental health issue involved. Nate was not yet diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome, just very much ADHD.

The Beginnings of Diagnosis

Hi Everyone,
Nate started showing problems very early, but times were different back then. Even ADHD, which he also has, wasn't well known back then. In 2nd grade I took him to Children's Hospital for evaluation. At that time his IQ was very low average, in fact the doctor wasn't sure he wasn't mentally retarded. This doctor couldn't figure out how to fill out the paperwork because Nate's extreme's were vast. He was finally diagnosed as ADHD & was put on Ritalin & I started reading every book in the library on ADHD. It was the only way I could help him. The schools didn't know how to help much back then. My family was very much against using Ritalin, but it worked for him, along with the counseling that I started taking him to.

I think Nate was on Ritalin for a yr, when it stopped working, so we started evaluating other meds & other methods to help him. I tried diet, but for him, that didn't work. I can't even remember which medication we decided on, because he has been on others since. I was tutoring him after school on his homework, little did I know this would be my life for many yrs to come. Being a teacher myself, this wasn't so bad, except that he didn't like learning from me.

I taught 2nd grade for a few yrs & then became a special education tutor for a few yrs, but I finally had to stop teaching as I just didn't have the energy to teach all day & then come home & work with Nate also.

Now I have to wrack my brain to try & remember the rest of what took place 15 yrs ago.

Hmmmm, why did I say I would explain why Nate's thoughts are hard to follow? lolol. I had some thoughts on this last night, & now I have to find them again. One reason I can think of is that he has very different definitions of words & we have to spend a lot of time finding out what he means by what he says. This takes a lot of digging. A 2nd reason is that he doesn't get to the point very quickly at all. Now I know some of you are thinking a lot of people don't get to the point. My husband has a hard time with this also, but not nearly as badly. I wish I could explain this better, but I really don't know how to. Carrying on a conversation with Nate can be very tiresome, in fact it usually is.

I think it is time to get some history into this story, so that is what I will do on my next post, which will be later today. I will start to explain the important points of Nate's life, as far as diagnosis & how this came about.

What's Next For Nate?

Not sure, actually. Nate's life is always a surprise & never a surprise. Always a surprise, because we never know what is going to be next. Never a surprise, because we always know, something is going to happen. When someone asks, " How's Nate?", it's hard to answer, unless they know what Asperger's is all about. I will basically talk about things as they come to mind, because there is no beginning, or end, & Asperger's is difficult to explain, mostly because although, there are no two people with Asperger's who are alike, they have very similar symptoms, which are expressed in different ways with each person.

Well, Nate just called, after midnight, he is on the phone now, which is very typical of him. When Nate needs to, or wants to talk, he calls, no matter what time of the day. He has no concept of,
" Is this a good time for you? ". Most of the time he calls, it is just to chat, which is fine, except that most of the time, this takes place, as tonight, after midnight.

Nate has his own language that has taken me yrs to learn & I am still learning. What our daughter will say in 15 min, will take Nate an hr, to say. Following his thoughts is difficult for many reasons. I will explain this further on my next post. Now I have to figure out how to kindly get him to hang up, so that I can go to bed. TTY tomorrow, or rather, later today, lololol.

Introducing Our Son

Hello again,
Our son, Nate, is 26 & lives with a roommate in an apartment about 10 min from us. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was 18. I have so very much to share to help educate all who read, about Asperger's Syndrome. I almost don't know where to start, but I guess the best place in at the beginning, hmmmm, or start with the present & have flash backs, which I will likely end up doing anyway.

Nate is enjoying living on his own, though he doesn't get along with his present roommate. Nate talks a lot, his roommate is very quiet, not a good combination. One of the main symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome is a great lack of social skills, which makes finding a good roommate very difficult. They have been together for over a yr & are very ready for a change, which is on the way. His roommate is leaving in a couple of months. What's next for Nate, not sure, yet, but there is a possibility of a solution. We shall see.

Hi Everybody

My name is Patricia. I live in Ohio with my wonderful husband & college aged daughter, along with our pets, a dog, 3 cats, bird, rabbit. Our daughter keeps very busy with school & we seldom see her. She also works at a vet part time, as she is studying to become a Veterinary Technician. We hear lots of medical stories & have to remind her often, not to tell them when we are eating, lololol.
We keep busy with work, our church activities, keeping up with friends & local family members. We love to camp & garden. I look forward to sharing more of my life & getting to know you better.