The Recent Yrs, Continued.....

It took the 2 yrs, that Nate was with us, for him to heal from being locked out of his biological father's house. He said it was as if he had lost everything in a fire. This was because he had to leave everything behind & it took 1-2 mths to get everything he owned, back, for reasons that are unnecessary to talk about here.

It was during those 2 yrs, that I worked hard going to meetings to get Nate the help that he needed, helping to put together the team who works with him now.

During these 2 yrs there were also many times that I & Abigail were afraid of him & his temper. Art & I had to learn how to work through the times of his temper. The temper was learned, from his biological father & born from the fear he felt. I am very thankful for the yrs that I went to a counselor & had the kids do so also, & Art had had some training, so we used a lot of counseling methods to help talk Nate through his problems. Abigail calls this time period, " The two yr nightmare. " We all came out far better than we had entered, learned a lot, drew closer to one another, cried together, got help together, etc, etc, etc.

Midnight was Nate's favorite time to talk, ugggghhhhhhh, lololol. That is when his emotions surfaced.

Recent Yrs Continued.......

I just asked Abigail how she it is that she learned to work through Nate's problems. She said to give her time to think & she will add her own post. So, that is what I will do, have her tell her own story within the story.

Those 2 yrs, after Nate came back to us, were rough, to say the least, very rough. If I thought the previous yrs had been hard, these were worst. A person who has Asperger's, who has been emotionally mistreated, doesn't understand a lot of what he feels or why he feels, much more so, than a person who doesn't have these problems. The extremes were rough. But, we survived, with lots & lots of prayers.

During the time, I will have to say, the two things that came as a result that were true
blessings : Nate realized I wasn't the horrible person his biological father made me out to be. Nate came to trust & love Art. I couldn't have asked for more of a blessing.

Starting Nate's Last 7 Yrs

Well, once again, the question is, " Where do I begin, what do I include? " Nate has had, I think, 6 psychiatrists, for one reason or another. The latest, like many others, knows little about Asperger's Syndrome. This doctor is with the county mental health center, so there is no choice. There is no specific medication for Asperger's, so he is medicated for ADHD, depression, OCD. Only lots of practice & experience can teach social skills & language skills. His social worker also knows little about Asperger's. His social worker is knows & loves working with those with Autism but, Nate's relationship with her is up & down. It's hard for a person with Asperger's to work through problems. Nate has been working with the county mental health dept for, hmmm, 3 yrs, maybe. I made loads of phone calls & attended many many meetings to get this all set up. He has been recieving help from an organization named ECHO, that works with him in his apt. His team involves, 7 people, altogther, I think, could be wrong on that.

Nate lived with Art & I for many yrs & then decided he should move in with his biological father. This lasted for a yr,with a very very bad ending. Suffice it to say, his biological father, never did know how to work with him. He came back to us, in tears, after having been kicked out & locked out. He lived with us for 2 yrs, a rocky 2 yrs, during which we had a lot of work to do to get him through the emotional trauma that he had experienced. Art & I had to balance working with him & helping Abigail to know how to deal with her brother, whom she loves very much.

Nate's Diagnosis

We had to change psychiatrists for one reason or another, can't remember why. I do remember one, though not by name. I knew more about Nate than he did, so we moved on to another. If I am not mistaken, it was Children's hospital, that diagnosed Asperger's at age 18. There is a fine line between ADHD & Asperger's & all psychiatrists wouldn't agree with the doctor who diagnosed him. Asperger's is actually high functioning Autism. He sits on the fence, of not being bad enough for some help, but not strong enough to live in our society with very much success. He also has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Most of his obsessions happen to be helpfuly, such as being a tremendous clean freak. He just puts so much time into the obsessions, that there are other things he could be doing. Nate also suffers from depression. ADHD, OCD, Depression are very common roommates with those with Asperger's. Some with Asperger's are smart enough to go to college. Unfortunately Nate is not. One of my pet peeves, for yrs, has been that, if he could just go to a school & study what he is interested in, without having to take liberal arts courses, he may just do very well, but, unfortunately, our college system doesn't work this way. So he is left to learn on his own, which he does, but it doesn't help him to get a job in his area of interest. Most people with Asperger's have 2-3 areas of interest, in which they are very intelligent, but know little about anything else.

Next I will go into how we have been helping Nate in the last few yrs.

Art & I had kids in two more school systems. Both were good as far as teachers were concerned, but the kids were bullies to Nate & some even to Abigail. With much prayer we got them through the junior high & high school yrs.

Prayer is involved in every area of our lives. We needed & still need a lot of wisdom to help him & we get that from our Lord, through our faith. Honestly neither Art nor I even talk with him without being in prayer. Prayer for us to understand what he is trying to say, prayer for wisdom on how to help, especially without getting upset. I have learned to do a lot of listening & keeping my mouth shut & just letting him talk. If he asks for my opinion, I ask if he really wants it, because most of the time he is not going to like it. I still work on this a lot, it takes a lot of effort.

Finding The Right Fit For Nate For School

I tried everything with schools. First Nate & his sister, Abigail, were in a private Christian school, paid for by grandparents. That didn't work because they didn't have the special education classes that he needed. I prayed about homeschooling him. The answer for him was " no ". He didn't learn well from me & being an only child for 5 yrs, he needed more socializing. Nate had 2 yrs of kindergarten because of his lack of social skills. I took he & his sister out of one Christian school & into another because the other one had special classes. Only problem, they weren't special enough for Nate. So after a couple of yrs, I moved the children into the public school system that I grew up in. I knew it was a great school system, always has been. That was the answer. He was in the special education class & it helped him to start learning. Parent / Teacher meetings were not something I looked forward to because there were always a lot of areas to address. The more I read about ADHD, ( remember in those days, ADHD was still new, ) the more I had to teach the teachers what worked best for him. I was tutoring both children in the evenings, to help them with their homework. They were both slow readers & homework took 3-4 hrs each night.


The best thing that happened for me during this time, of my 3 yrs of being a single mom, was meeting my future husband. We dated for two yrs, as we needed to get to know each other well, plus the divorce process was rather lengthy, because my " ex " made it that way. During this time, my now absolutely wonderful husband, Art, ( we have been married, now, nearly 11 yrs, ) was also getting to know the children. I was watching closely to see how he worked with them & he was watching me closely, for the same reason. Obviously, we both passed the test, : ) . When we got married, Dec 1997, Abigail was 10, Nate was 15. Abigail adored her new dad, Nate didn't. Nate actually didn't fully understand that we were truly getting married. He thought we were joking. Art & I had our work cut out for us. Change is very difficult for those with Asperger's. But, we still didn't have that diagnosis yet. Asperger's & ADHD are very difficult to distinguish & in those days, few knew about Asperger's. Neither Nate's psychiatrist, nor the counselor, knew it existed, I was to find out later.

There were many yrs of tutoring Nate, helping him with life's situations as they came up, going to counselors, deciding on medications, getting further diagnosis, dealing with a very difficult marriage. I was on my own with helping Nate because his father didn't believe that anything was wrong with him, only that he wasn't well behaved. I knew the difficult behavior was a result of something going on in his brain & that harsh discipline was not the answer.

Nate's biological father, was an abuser & it was in Sept 1994, that I finally got the courage to take the kids & leave him. So I was a single mother for several yrs, doing everything I could to help Nate & his sister. I had always felt like a single mother, the biggest difference at this time was having to support the two children & myself. I also suffered from clinical depression myself, and was medicated for that. These 3 yrs were extremely difficult, but I had, at least, finally rescued the children & myself from yrs of abuse.

It is very common for families to fall apart when there is a mental health issue involved. Nate was not yet diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome, just very much ADHD.